Halloween is serious business. As you know, I am a gay male who identifies as Zeus (pronouns Ze, Deus, or DUCK A LIGHTNING BOLT), and, besides our own Sabrina Lianne, I am the world’s foremost expert on cultural appropriation.
Whether it’s dressing as a Red Indian, a blue-haired social justice warrior, a judge, or a person with like… feelings, or whatever, it’s a well-known fact that I dress up just slightly less that Roger from American Dad. So, with my unique blend of experience and sensitivity, let this helpful fag guide you through some quick and easy last-minute costume suggestions.
Best choice, obviously. Nail the hair, and only drink real champagne or you’ve done it wrong. You still won’t look this good, but when people get drunk they’ll think you’re me, and you’re unlikely to go home alone.
A Safe Space
Cover yourself in styrofoam, photos of kittens and Mark Twain novels with “Trigger Warning” stamped on them. Get in between every useful conversation you can, asking everyone involved if they’re OK and if anyone’s being oppressed by the progressive stack. Warning: You will be likely be laughed at by cultural libertarians at some point.
Just be an awful human being, basically.
Bernie Sanders’ Chances of Winning the White House
Sorry, fat losers, but only the slim can pull off this costume. Like, really, really slim people. We’re talking Disney waist, corseted, then laxatives all day slim. You really want to represent those chances properly… then just put on a tight t-shirt that says, “Give me your money so I can give it to my friends.”
Blue hair + small mattress + small or taped-down breasts. Then accuse everyone at the party of rape. Later, release porno.
Anita Sarkeesian’s Brain
Dress as Jonathan McIntosh.
Jonathan McIntosh’s Brain
Dress as Che Guevera or Josef Stalin.
Your Mom is a well-known woman about town and a slattern of ill repute. Let’s be frank, if they have a nickel, they’re getting a tickle. Sorry, no offence, but it’s true. Now, besides the fact that every man has technically worn Your Mom as a costume at least once, at least in a manner of speaking, we really want to slag out here. You’ll want a house dress, a cigarette, curlers, $20 to entice the pizza boy into the house and tasteful Walmart knickers. Then douse yourself in drug store vodka and watch the frat boys start to circle.
The hacker known as 4chan
Buy a faceless green (or, for full-channers, red) mask. Wear a suit. Go around the party passing out anime lewds and making trollish comments. Be blamed for literally every single thing that happens at the party, whether you’re involved or not. Everyone will have to buy a dog.
Obviously, some of these costumes will cause offence no matter what. So, following the rule that you can say and do whatever you want, provided you’re at least twice as funny as you are offensive, here’s my foolproof costume recommendation for this year:
Hillary’s Email Server
The ultimate in timely political satire, this one is also cheap for those put out of work by the Obama economy. Just put on a big cardboard box. No one knows what a computer server looks like anyways! If you have friends with you, they can dress like Hillary or a computer nerd feverishly wiping you down with wet wipes. If anyone tries to peer inside the box, have a friend yell: “I DON’T EXIST AND EVEN IF I DO IT’S TECHNICALLY AND LEGALLY FINE.” Finally, to really make this outfit sing, bring a stack of papers marked TOP SECRET and throw fistfuls of them at passing Chinese people.